i can see it but i cant feel it

gymdeal @ 2005-05-24T05:27:00

2005-05-24T09:27:27Z

gymdeal @ 2005-04-27T01:57:00

2005-04-27T05:57:35Z

goodbye obsessive little creeps
ill see you in a good while

death to our friends

2005-03-10T09:25:47Z

lindsay lohan said it the best
when you get bit by a snake, you do need to suck out the venom
and i suppose i should do that
maybe i am the reaction in alot of these situations
but there is no reason for all of us to be a bunch of cunts
i feel betrayed and hurt from some of my friends
but whatever
i suppose ill have to accept that we are all a bunch of melodramatic teenagers
we all love shit talking and minor betrayals apparently
but i do think we are pretty loyal to each other in the end
my friends are pretty awesome people
i wouldnt befriend people who werent
and i love them all im sure
i wouldnt allow myself to grow so close to people i dislike
or maybe i would, im weird like that
either way im stuck with them and ill gladly continue being stuck
so yea
im done
ill suck this poison out of our veins
ill attempt to fix these car crashes of friendships
i had a lifetime of heartache already (awww)
and i just want things to be somewhat calm and peaceful
no more glares or bad vibes
the world fuckin hates us all
we might as well stick together

hunny, not honey

2005-01-20T07:12:15Z

alright
im little less of a child now
and random people...or person commenting random stuff trying to piss off isnt as funny as it was a few years ago
im not pissed off...im not offended
its just not doing anything for me anymore
im trying to take a way to serious approach to livejournal now
....which is pathetic, but whatever
anyways...the people i care about getting comments from are on my friends list
so this journal will become friends only now
but for all of you have a vendetta against
all of you who wanna tell me im ugly and you fucked my chick
go for it...its yr last chance to get them all in
it would be unfair to not give you noodleheads one last goodbye

gymdeal @ 2005-01-19T13:39:00

2005-01-19T18:40:37Z

that child think itll get to me
he thinks it will annoy me even fuckin slightly
hes quite wrong
im too smug to let idiots knock down my gibraltar

a pure soul

2005-01-19T07:04:17Z

today was the great big let down
it started well with plans and idea for later on
good fun and good times
but random panic attack causing things change all that
im fuckin spoiled and when things dont go my way then i get pretty annoyed
but i certainly do i have a reason for not being able to handle it today
all this miniscule fuckin problems
they just make up my life and i really dont enjoy it at the moment
i feel so stuck and that i have to strive and try just to get back to a neutral place
new things given are new things to worry about and fix and when broken
old things that dont work very well are kept and repeatedly attempted to be fix
maybe i should just let go of it all
but if all went somewhat as i planned out, it would be beautiful
i dont want a collection of new things...im not sure if i would like trying to mantain them
what i have now is worth trying to fix
nothing will be fixed tonite however
but i wont dwell or worry tonite
i wont wish i werent alone right now and werent curled up in a human ball with someon
i have a new toy to play with, the warm glow of my computer and some amazing albums that should be listened to further
she is right maybe
i am a fuckin child
i know that it wont always go my way
i accept that, but i havent accepted that when it doesnt go my way i shouldnt fuckin sigh
and be ready to give up
fuck it, this crooked wiring in my head is no reason to barely live a life
i have what i have and i suppose thats good enough
im srry for having one of these entries monthly
ill be back to psuedo poetry tomorrow im sure
the funny thing is ev has one of these entries written tonite also
i wish he feels better quickly, i wouldnt wish this upon anyone
uh..besides her...id liked to see her in a padded room one day
the fuckin selfish lover and ungrateful bastard

singing the apparent to the oblivious

2005-01-17T09:19:07Z

yr cynicism:

its amazing that all yr hate
is the cause to all my love

gymdeal @ 2005-01-16T15:08:00

2005-01-16T20:10:16Z

the ground froze itself
the sky is doing the same
the beautiful return of snow might occur tonite
i hate snow, rain better veto it like always

slow walk

2005-01-14T09:16:35Z

i had such a nice little moment a few minutes ago
i decided to lap up the random warmth this day gave us during the winter
i went out on my roof to have a cigarette
stared at the purple sky and the pink clouds cause by light pollution
i watched the silhouette of the old tree on my front yard
his limbs were shaking in the wind
my hair and clothes were swaying along with them
the cigarette was finish far too quickly
the wind on it sped up the fire nicely
everything was so beautiful for that short amount of time
i couldnt help but smile at the tree, the clouds, my clothes getting ripped off me
its a moment of peace in the onslaught of nonsense i call my life
it was the eye of the short
a time where dwelling and over thinking isnt appreciated much
its about being happy about the simple things in life
enjoying being absolutely nothing but still something amazing
im alive, and im not sure who or what decided this
but right now it feels so good just to feel

short love with a long divorce, and a couple of kids of course, they dont mean anything

2005-01-13T10:38:44Z

it sucks to be awake and quite active while everyone you know is sleeping
i should really figure out how to shake this nocturnal schedule
maybe less coffee or no coffee at all
maybe i should get a job where im not schedule for the nite shift
maybe i should start going to work and get tired out and actually make money
im back where i was like two fuckin years ago
too fuckin apathetic
school?
meh
doing something besides sleeping?
meh
its the same now
just replace school with work
and sleeping with smoking entirely too many cigarettes
i suppose its just a low period of my life
not everything in ones life must be fuckin epic
i have alot of great memories
and i refuse to believe that i will never have any new ones
like any problem, the first step is being aware of it
so im quite aware that i have a problem
my life is a bore...i know that
whats next
i suppose it would be a series of changes that would make me want to get out of the bed in the morning
eh fuck that....i wanna get out of the bed, in the afternoon, but i dont mind getting up eventually
i still have a blast with my life
listening to great music
having laughs and great conversations with friends
minor bursts of creative energy that i eventually put down on paper
but those things are not the greater percent of my day
that are overshadowed by boredom and doing things i dislike
a new job is so completely something to look into
even if my new job sucks, it probably wont suck as much as my current one
and change is always fun right?
i think maybe i should get up early tomorrow and go looking for a job
i probably wont though
maybe ill just check out random applications online instead
so there you go
psuedo career editing...a better job equals a happier james
my life has never been about obtaining money or doing well at work or school
no, no, no
this is my life and i must enjoy every second i can
my life is just like that horrible sandwich i threw and kicked around
eating it wouldnt do shit for it
i got considerably more enjoyment from it by throwing it about
as much as someone who liked to eat horrible sandwiches would get from eating it
my life isnt about making smart decisions and making something of myself
its about me being reckless and enjoying just being alive
im happy with the fact that i can fuck up so badly and then fix things
ya know
instead of avoiding situations where i would fuck up in
im stupid, curious and naive
and thats why i have most of all of my problems
blargh
to get back on subject though
those random nothings that make me happy arent around as much
i feel stuck
there arent any new problems to try to solve
and this is like a creative drought for me right now
my art skills have fuckin dissolved found
im no longer a psuedo artist
and im not even a cartoonist...the thing i have been good at before my age was a double digit
and my guitar playing has become redundant and even i am bored of it
how the fuck am i going to sell cds of it when i dont even believe it any more
the only thing i can half smile about is that my songwriting has gotten alot better
but ya know...i can always read something my darling nicole scribbled on a napkin and discarded
and then ill feel like im writing total trite...
but ya know
shes a writer i guess
thats her thing
im just a novice at this, trying to learn how to do it even
hmm
i think my problem is less about my life and how i feel stuck
how im not enjoying myself and im bored
im pretty sure its more about how i feel about myself
and i feel that i am uncreative, lazy and god damn insane
i shall fix this
i think ill take piano classes or something
learn a fuckin instrument correctly
and even though its heartbreaking to attempt to draw and such at it when i use to be so good
ill practice more...to return to monarchy of art
and ill try to learn how to write better using miss nicole
ill show her things i have written and she can tell me what i can do with them and such
besides...i really like it when shes alot better at something than me
or knows alot more about something than me
an insanely smart girl who likes to talk to you for some reason makes you feel good about yrself
i must me smart, creative or atleast entertaining if i can hold her attention for so long
maybe...
oh yea
and fuck
of course, i suppose im pretending to be an adult now
i should try to get my life together like other adults
like having a good job, and going to college and having a place to live that isnt an attic in yr parents house
im still young though...its not that dire
but i want it
im not living the rest of my life in obscurity and unimportance
look the fuck out everyone
i am the once and future king

by the way
you know what i get a kick out of
everyone comments on my random psuedo stanza entries
about oranges in attics and people wishing they were married to rockstars
random quotes, song lyrics and extremely vague sentence fragments
but a extremely important entry all about whats going on in my life will probably get no comments
no one will tell me how im a peach or perfect drug
or even how my friends leave stupid comments
maybe i should another cute picture of myself and make a new icon
that always gets everyones attention
and thats just what i want
look at me
love me

gymdeal @ 2005-01-12T16:04:00

2005-01-12T21:06:40Z

god damn
i dont like her much

strange how the arms sting, when yr left holding nothing

2005-01-12T07:48:19Z

and
you
already
love
her

so long to this cold, cold part of the world

2005-01-11T09:53:37Z

furthermore
thurston moore

not today my little one

2005-01-11T05:39:55Z

quite often you open the door
and find what you dont want anymore
you say "why cant you find a new home?"
im srry, i wont let you leave me alone

You scored as Sloth.

</td>

Sloth

94%

Wrath

81%

Pride

75%

Lust

75%

Envy

13%

Gluttony

Greed

Seven deadly sins
created with QuizFarm.com

gymdeal @ 2005-01-10T04:15:00

2005-01-10T09:16:39Z

she walked on over
i asked for her name
she said "if i had it my way
id be mrs. cobain"
i said "oh, thats funny,
because if my dreams were real
then you would be calling me
mister jim deal"

gymdeal @ 2005-01-09T06:22:00

2005-01-09T11:23:09Z

i am
just an orange
sitting and waiting
in my attic

i wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me

2005-01-09T10:11:01Z

im wearing myself a t shirt that says
"the world is my ashtray"
our hearts pump dust
and our hair's all grey

table border='0' cellpadding='5' cellspacing='0' width='600'><tr><td></td><td> You scored as Punk/Rebel.

</td></tr>

Punk/Rebel

94%

Goth

88%

Stoner

50%

Loner

38%

Drama nerd

31%

Ghetto gangsta

31%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

25%

Geek

19%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com</table>

heh
rock on, everyone

dead end job, dead end girl, dead end friends, dead end life, dead end me

2005-01-08T09:59:39Z

all you selfish lovers
can fuck each other
because im through

and you ungrateful bastards
can choke on yr laugher
im not calling you

out of gas, out of road, out of car

2005-01-07T20:49:11Z

my friends page is nothing but ridiculous today
so much shit going on in other peoples lives that doesnt involve me at all
its like that one episode of the simpsons
where instead of being about a simpson, it was about random characters in the town
some shitty things are going on to you non simpsons
and im srry
im srry yr significant other sucks
or you fake yr love
or you saw a bad movie
or yr life is not exciting anymore
or if yr spanish boyfried tries to eat yr green hat and you accidently mark yr entries private

i just want you all to know
that im a prick and im probably very mean to you
but i kinda like you
and im srry
all of us are stuck i feel

didnt i see you cryin

2005-01-06T08:20:15Z

ill shine up the old brown shoes
put on a brand new shirt
ill get home early from work
if you say that you love

different angles, different backdrops

2005-01-05T20:45:23Z

if i dont get what i want
i think my eyeballs will pop

i just cant handle it
there is never enough
so close, so soft, so much
i want

quit while yr ahead

2005-01-04T20:29:35Z

ive been inna good mood recently
i know it will be leaving me soon
but im going to milk it for everything it has
if you want a favour from me, now is a good time to ask

and that was the eight time i got arrested

2005-01-03T09:25:57Z

the last entry was just a little reminder that im a goof quite often
but i decided to go back to usually angsty bitterness a few minutes afterwards
something reminded me just how much i had this one person

ok

her face alone makes me wanna throw up sometimes
and i enjoy throwing up for the most part
but this is like the bad throwing up...the fuckin coughing up pieces of yr organs kind
the way she smells....no
her fuckin stench...yea, thats better
it fuckin burns my sinuses and makes my eyes water
it fuckin hurts having a nose around her
and the things she says sometimes
so god damn stupid and irrelevant
her jokes are so unfunny and told over and over
once you hear one story from her you dont need to bother listening to another one
they are all the same
the same fuckin "HEY...IM COOL" nonsense
when she talks i find myself wanting to slit her throat and then stab myself in the heart
i dont even know why id kill myself once she is dead
but i find that line an alright description of how little i want to hear her talk

ok
so i understand i dont appease alot of people
infact...scores of people fuckin hate me
but im alright with that i guess
i have some pretty alright friends
and it would suck if the people who disliked me made little entries about me like i just did
but ill put myself in the open
and look like a big hateful jerkoff
a big whiney and depressed asshole
fuck it
everyone thinks im one anyway
im fuckin brooding
im fuckin mean
whatever
i feel that i needed to say this
besides this girl is not an innocent victim or anything
she deserves all of the hatred i have for her
i dislike a whole bunch of people
but i usually dont hate a person
i could count the people i truely hate with fingers on one hand
and this girl is the fuckin thumb

sure, why not , yea

2005-01-03T09:04:44Z

i went to blue york
and saw a blue f.o.b.
i found a blue girl
and got a blue job

this collection of nonsense lyrics sums it all up i feel, i trust you understand what im saying

2005-01-02T09:46:39Z

into the winding vines
the pretty boys dive
through the pinhole stars
into the shadow mind
you will lose him then
on some gentle dawn
this boy is here and gone